Not so long ago  I scared the dark haired beauty. I had a nightmare and I screamed. Or maybe yelled is a better description, I am not really sure. I can't tell you what it was about because I don't really remember the details very well.

But what I remember is that something terrible was happening. Something very bad was going on and in my dream I was truly frightened. That doesn't happen to me too often. I am like anyone else, I have things that scare me. Lots of things do, but usually they make me nervous.

This was different. This was fear. This was something that reminded me of childhood fear. Dark and mysterious and out of my control. It came for me. It did something. I don't know what, but it was bad.

And so I reacted. I reacted so strongly that I yelled out loud and woke her up. It woke me up too, but it took me a moment to realize it. Took a moment to realize that I was awake and not dreaming. Took me a moment to realize that I was sweating. And in the moment it took for me to wake up I got angry, very angry.

I suspect that it is natural response. So I climbed out of bed and stood silently in the dark, listening. Not quite sure what I was listening for, but had I found it I would have done something bad to it. Fear had been replaced with anger/protective dad time.

And then I heard her calling for me.  "Abba, abba, come here."

So I walked down the hall and found her sitting up in bed. She reached out for me so I took her in my arms and sat down upon the bed and asked her what was wrong.

She put her head against my shoulder and in a soft voice told me that she heard me sound scared. I asked her if she knew what I said. And then she told me no, just that it was daddy's scared voice. I kissed her and told her that I was ok, that it was just a bad dream.

She asked me if I got scared a lot by my dreams and I said no. Then I asked her if she remembered my ever doing that before. She said no again. I hugged her tightly and told her that sometimes daddies get scared too, but that it was ok.

And then before I could say anything else she fell back asleep. I laid her down upon her bed and then sat on the floor. I sat and listened to her breathe and tried to remember what it was that had upset me. I never did figure it out.

After a while I got up and walked into the family room and collapsed upon the couch. For a moment I played around with logging on. I knew that I'd find the usual crew of electronic companions on Facebook and Twitter. Knew that I could blog about it and chose not to because I wanted to try and get some more sleep.

It took a while to unwind, but eventually I did. And when morning came I woke up on the couch feeling a bit tired, but far more relaxed than I had been the night before.

She doesn't remember our conversation or if she does, she hasn't mentioned it. That is ok with me. For now I am happy to let it go. As long as it doesn't make her nervous.I don't mind her knowing that sometimes daddies get scared too.

This is part six of the project I am working on for National Novel Writing Month. Here are the links to the first sections.

Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
The End of a Marriage
A 21st Century Break Up
"I Don't Want To Kiss My Husband Ever Again"
Once Upon A Time

Inside the car I remembered that I hate commuting. The fact that it would have taken me just as long to get to the beach as it did to travel to the office was immaterial. Normally I would have spent the ride plotting ways to prick "Big Ed." The precious minutes of beach time that I was wasting would have been devoted to thinking about how many different ways I could call Harold, "Hairy."

Did I mention that at times I can be juvenile, selfish and spiteful. Not my finer traits, but hey, at least I am aware of them.

This time was different. Instead of plotting my silly revenge, enjoying music or listening to the ridiculous rantings of the anonymous talk show callers I was lost in a place that I wasn't so sure I wanted to revisit. I was back in the past. It was a bit like walking into my garage. There were all sorts of treasures inside and a bunch of junk that I probably should get rid of, but never had.

I have always liked thinking of my memory as being a big garage or warehouse full of stuff. It works for me. There is something appealing about it. Whenever I need to remember something I simply walk into the garage and find the box it is located in. The problem is that like my real garage those boxes are not only dusty but they sometimes include items that I didn't expect to find.

Back when I was married the garage was my refuge. It was my cave, my domain and all who entered it understood that it was dangerous to screw with things without my approval. Not surprisingly the ex thought that different rules applied to her. Although to be fair I learned long ago that once a woman starts sleeping with you she assumes certain liberties, like trying to convince you that Laura Ashley sheets are cool for the master bedroom.

My internal monologue was disrupted by the squealing by a loud thump, thump, thump coming from the car next to me. If you want to piss me off it is always wise to play your stereo at levels loud enough to make the windows shake. I have said more than once that if I am ever involved in a road rage incident it is going to be because of that.

The noise got my attention and I made a point of looking around to see where it was coming from. There was a large SUV in front of me that seemed to be the culprit. Sometimes it is hard to tell. The noise is so loud that it could just as easily be coming from the side or behind.

The license plate frame on the SUV said something about being a proud student of Grapevine Community College. The G.C.C. administration should be proud of this sort of representation. It really says something. Then again, I am a part time writing instructor there so maybe I should be more charitable with how I think of the students.

The writing gig isn't bad. For the past ten years or so I teach one or two creative writing courses each semester. In the beginning I wasn't so sure about it. They didn't have an existing curriculum so I had to develop one on my own. That was supposedly going to lead to my earning more but I am not really sure that ever happened.

That first year I taught by Braille. It was a lot of touch, feel and react. I wouldn't advise doing it that way. The department chair made a point of instructing me not to do it that way. He gave me a lot of good advice that I ignored. Sometimes my issue with authority causes trouble for me.

But we got through it. Over time I developed a teaching style and I found that I was pretty good at it. Most of my students were truly interested in learning so it made it easier to engage them. And of course it didn't hurt that quite a few were relatively attractive women.

On a side note let me mention that you don't want to tell woman that she is relatively good looking. It is the kind of remark that creates a minefield that no man wants to walk through. It is not that different from being asked if a particular item of clothing makes her look fat.

Say that she is relatively good looking and she will set you up for a verbal beating. You can almost guarantee that it will be an interrogation of what and who she is relatively good looking compared to. If you suffer from the same fits of stupidity that afflict me it will lead you to saying that she is far more attractive than a hippo or warthog.

You'll say it with a big smile that you think she'll find endearing and then after she has eviscerated you'll wonder why you didn't just save time by hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

In case you are wondering I sometimes use that as part of my lecture. The students enjoy laughing at my expense. It is not unusual for the women to laugh the hardest or tell me that I should know better. I smile and shrug my shoulders. The guys usually like this too. After class a few of them will come and share their own war stories with me.

I like to try and use these kinds of stories because they work well as ice breakers. Get the class to laugh. Get them interested and engaged and it becomes far more interesting to everyone.

Not everyone appreciates these tales. Every class is filled with at least one person who doesn't appreciate a self deprecating sense of humor. Did I mention that they are usually female. Is this coincidence? I think not. That leads to another useful safety tip for the men.  Don't try to use that last line or any derivation of it in class. You'll do great with the women who likes to hang out with the boys.

But invariably you'll upset one or more who will decide that you are sexist and in need of being reported to whatever authority they think will screw you the hardest.

Ok, I admit it, I am a bit bitter and irked with the fairer sex. But I have a good reason, really, I do. I can tell you her name, her sizes. Yes, I said sizes, shoe, pants, panties, bra, blouse, whatever. I don't give a damn whether you think that is cool, weird or what.

I can tell you how tall she is, her weight, what color her eyes are and a million other details. It has been years and I haven't forgotten what she smells like or how it feels to kiss her. Years later and sometimes when I close my eyes I still see her looking back at me.

Years later and I can't forget. The last time I saw her we kissed each other goodbye and headed off to our cars.

But I am not going to go there. It took a long time to put it aside. It took a long time to accept that the life I thought we were going to share wasn't going to happen. Took a long time to convince myself that I couldn't just wait around, that maybe love wasn't enough.

And until the girls decided to have lunch with me that was ok. I was ok. Until that little bit about her being single I was ok.

I'll say one thing for being distracted, it made the time in the car go by like it was nothing. Of course the downside to that was that I hadn't spent any time thinking about an idea for my next assignment. And now I had all of five minutes to try to come up with one.

Would you let your child scream obscenities at you. Would you stand there in the middle of Trader Joes scream "Dad, you suck! You're an idiot" and far worse.

I wouldn't. When I think about what would have happened to me had I done that I just shake my head. I might have sailed right through the doors and into the front seat of the car. I didn't grow up in a violent home. Dad never hit us with a belt or anything like that.

But I received a 'potch' on more than one occasion. I knew from any early age that there were limits and lines that would not, could not be crossed without consequences.

The kid I saw yesterday afternoon didn't have any fear or concern regarding their actions. They didn't stop to worry about consequences. I was bothered by that. But I was bothered more by their father's non existent response to this. He acted like this was normal. He wasn't embarrassed, nonplussed or upset by any of this.

WTF.

I wanted to grab the father and shake him. I wanted to punch him, slap him, spin him into a state of awareness that this is unacceptable behavior. It is intolerable. Why would you let that go on. That kid was around ten or eleven. What do you think is going to happen when they get older. Do you have some crazy fantasy that this is going to somehow improve.

Children need boundaries. They need limits. He is begging for it.

Maybe he has some sort of problem. Maybe he is emotionally disturbed, I don't know. But I am willing to bet that his therapist would tell you that when he acts out in public you need some response other than staring off into space like a slack jawed fool.

It is easy to become a mother or father. That doesn't take much effort. Unfortunately the same is not true of acting like one. Being a good parent requires work, effort and attention.There aren't any quick fixes or shortcuts. That is just how it is.

This is part five of the project I am working on for National Novel Writing Month. Here are the links to the first sections. They need to be cleaned up, but I'll save some of that for now.

Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
The End of a Marriage
A 21st Century Break Up
"I Don't Want To Kiss My Husband Ever Again"

One of the best parts of my job is that I can do it from almost anywhere. All I need is my cellphone, a laptop and an internet connection and I am good to go. It is one of the perks that come with the position, not to mention the joy of dealing with the most cantankerous editor ever.

He and I have a real love hate relationship going on, and that is putting it mildly. It wouldn't be fair to say that we love to hate each other. But it would be fair to say that I love to aggravate him. I probably shouldn't. It is a bit unfair to always press his buttons, but I have issues with authority. So does he.

For some reason he finds it necessary to try and tell me what to do and how to do it. This usually inspires me to do the opposite. Somewhere out there my mother is shaking her head about this. She told me many times that it is better to get along with people, that I don't always have to be such a pain-in-the-ass. I love you mom, but you know that it is not going to happen, so why keep trying.

"Big Ed", the editor, that is what I call him, likes to have regular meetings with me. He says that they are not serious, just an easy way to communicate. The thing is that I prefer to communicate by email or telephone and he likes face to face.

"Big Ed" doesn't like being called "Big Ed." His real name is Harold but if you call him Harry he gets upset. It probably has something to do with having virtually none on his head. You also can't refer to him as "Harold, the Hairy, the Regent of Rogaine" because he doesn't like that either.

Truth is that I can't say that I really like it. It is not particularly funny, but it gets a reaction from him and that I do like. Did I mention that he is very particular about where things go on his desk. I like to move his stapler around. Again, it is not funny and it is quite juvenile. But it tends to help him come to the proper conclusion that Jack and office visits are not a good mix.

With that sort of introduction you might wonder why the "balding behemoth" doesn't release me from his tender mercies. The answer is that I am that good and so is he. Together we have found a recipe that works and both of us have been around long enough to recognize that you don't mess with something like this.

It also doesn't hurt that Harold went through his own divorce and was sensitive to my situation. He made a point of approaching me more than once to offer a friendly ear. I was grateful and appreciative of it. I made a point to thank him and then told him that if brought up a "friendly ear" to me again I would sue for sexual harrassment.

He quickly apologized and changed the subject at which time I threatened to sue him for not making a pass at me. You should have seen how red his face got with that remark. Poor Harold didn't know what to do. I almost felt bad for him because I knew the feeling.

Getting divorced was sad and exciting. Even though I knew that it was the right thing to do it was hard to accept that something that had seemed so right was over. I need to qualify that. I think that at one time it felt that way. I mean, I wouldn't have gotten married if it didn't seem right.

That was something that I just wasn't sure of. I couldn't decide if I really had felt that way or if I had convinced myself that at one time I had. None of it really mattered. I had checked out of the marriage long before the divorce, I just hadn't realized it.

For a long time I had thought that the problems were all related to external influences. When the kids are young they suck the life out of you. It doesn't mean that you don't love them or have a single regret because they are amazing. They make you better people.

But they also make you crazy people. They take and take and take. And then they takes some more. During the week there is the daily grind of getting them to school, helping them with their homework and all of the extracurricular activities.

Weekends weren't any less busy. There are birthday parties, soccer games, ballet and when they get older reports for school.

And did I mention the challenges posed by preteen and teenage romance. I almost killed half the boys in my daughter's middle school. As far as I know she didn't date any of them, but she and her friends swooned and cried about them more times than I can count.

In fact I intend to kick the crap out of some kid named Jason for the simple reason of just because. Just because translates into you dated my daughter for two years in high school. Two years of pretending to be Eddie Haskell. Two years of trying to bullshit me into believing that you weren't trying to get into her pants every day.

Stupid prick forgets that I used to be him. I know every line and trick for making a girl think that you think she is special. You are not unique. And yes I know that other boys did it too. And yes I know about karma and all that kind of crap. But you just rubbed me the wrong way and now I want you to give me an excuse.

The thing is that even though they have long since broken up if anything happened I would still be the bad guy. She doesn't love him anymore, or so she says, but I know my girl. Actually maybe it is because I know my girl that I don't need to do anything to him.

Scratch that, my fragile male ego can't accept it. I am ordering one ass kicking off of the menu of life. One righteous ass kicking so that I can wipe that stupid smirk off of his lips. One day....

I had planned on working at the beach today, right next to lifeguard station number six. The car was loaded with my gear and I was just about to leave when Harold called to ask what time I was going to come in. I tried to pretend that the connection was bad but he was ready and asked me if I had checked my email.

He had forwarded an email that I had sent him two weeks prior. In the email I had told him that I would be delighted to meet with him to discuss my latest assignment. I hate when I screw up like that. I silently cursed my own stupidity and made a note to remind myself never to commit to anything in writing.

I told him that I would see him soon and hung up the phone. I made a quick trip out to the car to grab my gear and switch it with the business stuff.  One of these days I have to win the lottery or invent something because this working stuff is getting old.

A short time later I was in the car and headed towards the office. Talk radio and the sounds of traffic filled the silence and I found myself lost in thought.

Going to be busy for a bit, so I thought I'd air out the archives and leave you with some links to check out:

The Many Layers of Hell
Stupid Blog Mistakes
How Long Will You Keep on Blogging?
My Brother- A Simple Lesson In Physics
Jack's Rule of Refrigeration

I am glad that I can't see my reflection in the computer monitor. I am not up for seeing dark circles beneath my eyes and the new lines in my forehead. I am not interested in reality intruding upon my vision of myself, not at this moment.

Right now I am listening to the soundtrack to The Good, The Bad & The Ugly. It is a fine soundtrack and a favorite selection. Sometimes I put it on and pretend that I am the lonely gun slinger. I ride alone and apart, occasionally wandering into various towns for whatever purpose I find there.

The Ecstasy of the Gold is playing now. Later on I'll try to come back to this and provide a link to it. It is fabulous music. Every time I hear it I picture myself on horseback. We are riding at a steady canter towards something that I can't quite see because the sun is in my eyes.

People often mistake that squint for a steely glare. It comes across as menacing to some and sexy to others. What no one realizes is that here in the Old West I don't have sunglasses and if I did, I wouldn't be squinting.

I like hiding out here. It is one of the places where I take refuge when things get tough. Sometimes I take myself back to Jerusalem. Sometimes I roam through the Old City. Sometimes I go through Jaffa Gate and wander through the Shuk.

Eyes closed I focus on the sights, sounds and smells. In some ways it is not so different from L.A. Wander certain streets here and you here a mix of languages just as you do there. Wander certain streets and you can feel like you have stepped into another world.

The boys and I have been discussing failure. It has come up a few times and not just in the academic sense. We talk about jobs and relationships that didn't work out. We talk about teaching our children how to deal with failure, whether it is even a topic that should be broached.

I always say that it is ok. My position is simple, it is something that they need to learn about. I don't want to destroy their self esteem or wreck fragile egos. But I don't want emotional cripples who are unable to cope when life beats them down.

Because the day will come when it will. The day will come when they fail at something and I want them to be capable of handling it.

Some parents always rescue their kids.I disagree with doing this across the board. It is is just asking for trouble.

One day I'll talk to my children about my failures. I have a few to share. They vary in size and scope, but they exist. Some of them are painful. Some of them are embarrassing. I don't know that I'll share them all, but some.

I think that I have said enough for now. Time to return to that Nanowrimo, 50,000 words to write during November challenge thing.

It is just a hair short of 10:30 on a Tuesday night and I am floating between foul and fair, moods that is. I have plenty to be thankful for and a lot to be angry about. Another untimely death last week of someone I once knew, the BlackBerry and the damn tire have me wound up.

At the same time I have a sort of whimsical feeling. It reminds me a bit of the old days when I was a lad. Those days when I had my own apartment and no responsibilities at all. I spent more than a few nights floating on a raft in the middle of the pool.

Sometimes I'd spend the entire night on that raft. I'd wake up with the sun, feeling refreshed. Life was different then, as well it should be.

I hadn't a clue that I'd ever be in the position I am today. Couldn't have foreseen any of this. It just never occurred to me. As to whether that was ignorance, naivete or what I can't say or care not to speculate about. It doesn't really matter.

The BlackBerry took its final breath Sunday afternoon. Although I had backed up most of my data, there was a portion that I hadn't gotten to. Its death was sudden so I never did get the chance to save those few things. Some simple messages that had more meaning to me are lost.

Sure, I remember them. The most important were seared upon my soul. You can call that melodramatic or hyperbole if you wish, but they meant that much to me. And the one who sent them knows that what I say is so.Not that it matters.

So here I sit, wondering how long I will be placed in the wonderful world of the absurd. This is not the life that I signed up for, but at the moment it is the one that I have.

I am doing the best that I can to make it all work. I think that I'll end this here and start a new post to whine in.

Postcard
Hungry Heart

P.S. I still submit 28 cards to Post Secret each week. Can you guess which are mine.

Superman- R.E.M. (An old anthem)
Candy Everybody Wants - 10,000 Maniacs with Michael Stipe
Red Rain -Peter Gabriel Natalie Merchant R.E.M.
More Than This-10,000 Maniacs w/o Natalie Merchant
More Than This - Roxy Music (high school is calling.)
Synchronicity II- The Police
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic- The Police (sometimes I dance with my daughter to this.)
Begin The Begin - R.E.M.
You're The First, The Last, My Everything - Barry White
The Song Remains The Same- Led Zeppelin
Thunderstruck- AC/DC
Idan Raichel

I said that I would try to participate in NaNoWriMo. I figured that I'd tie it into a story I already started writing. I am trying to decide if I am going to integrate or substitute this post with the third one.

Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
The End of a Marriage
A 21st Century Break Up

And now on to our story:
I have a graphic memory. I dream and think in technicolor or maybe I should say high definition. My dreams are full featured spectacles. It is great when I dream about happy things, but not so good if they are sad or disturbing.

As a young boy I used to wonder if there was a way to control my dreams. I figured that it was nothing more than concentrating hard enough. So I spent more than a few nights lying in bed focused upon whatever it was that I was chasing. Some nights it was images of me chasing down fly balls in Dodger Stadium and or hitting the game winning home run. Other times it was me as a different sort of hero.

I suppose that it is fair to say that in many ways not much has changed. The boy grew into a man who still dreams of playing pro ball or of being a hero. All he needs is a chance. Although to be fair the man recognizes that some dreams will have to remain locked inside the vault.

It was the morning after and I was still in bed. It had taken hours to fall asleep. The news that she was single had a bigger impact upon me than I would have guessed it would. I didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to play memory lane. I didn't want to have one of those dreams and wake up to discover that reality was different than I might want it to be.

The meal with my daughter and the girls was grueling. They didn't understand that some scars don't heal. They didn't understand that I much preferred the safety of my own life. Being single wasn't so bad. I didn't worry about forgetting special dates. Never had to try and decipher whether a look or a comment meant that I was in trouble again for some other transgression.

In concept it made a lot of sense to me to say goodbye to women. I knew what I needed to know. I had served a life sentence known as marriage. I helped propagate the species. When I was instructed to go forth and multiply I did it.I listened to them.

That is big stuff, my listening. Ask those who know me and you'll be told that I have an amazing ability to suddenly go deaf. More than one person called it irritating, but me, I called it survival.

All would be perfect, or close to it, were it not for my daughter and the girls. Did I mention that they don't like it when I call them girls. Sometimes I like to aggravate them by talking about how you can't trust a broad, not a single one of them.

The thing is, they know me too well. They refused to let me bait them into a different topic. They have an agenda and I am at the top of the list. And people wonder why I say I feel like I have a target on my back.

Midway through our meal Sheri asked me if I remembered what her marriage was like. I smiled and told her that she should have married me. That earned me another one of those withering looks and a sharp rebuke from my daughter.

Great, and to think that I thought that I owned the look and the lecture she gave me. But because I am rarely at a loss for words I told her that I have been inoculated against that sort of thing. She of course didn't care. Damn, if she isn't like me. Moments like this make me wonder if I should be proud or frightened of her.

But I digress.

Sheri jumped back into her story and asked me if I knew how she realized that her marriage was over. I was tempted to provide another smart ass remark, but something told me that it was smarter to stay quiet.

"When I realized that I never wanted to kiss my husband again, I knew that it was over."

"Well, we share that in common. I never want to kiss your husband again either. For that matter I don't want to sleep with him, he snores far too loudly," I said.

I know, the smart ass remark didn't help, but how could I let that one go. Again she ignored me and continued on."

"When you find the kind of love and relationship that you had you don't let go."

That wiped the smile off of my face. I looked at her and thanked her for her opinion. Before anyone could go on I explained that it had been made very clear to me that she was done. It didn't matter what I wanted, or what I thought. She was done.

My daughter came around the table and hugged me. She told me that she had no idea that my feelings for her were so deep and that I owed it to myself to not just ignore the opportunity.

I was surprised by my anger. I did my best not to bark at her, but I am not sure that I was successful. "This is not reality. This is not some stupid movie where I get to ride up to her ranch, grab her and ride off into the sunset"

"She gave up on us and she gave up on me."

For a moment there was silence. It took me a moment to realize that both my jaws and fists were clenched. I took a deep breath and thanked them for their thinking about me.

Sheri smiled and told me that she was sorry. In a soft voice she said that I needed to remember that some loves never really die and that we had been victims of bad timing. "Call her. There is a reason why you are being given a second chance."

I smiled back at her. "I'll think about it." And then I said a silent prayer of thanks that none of them knew how hard my heart was pounding.